after a long absence

After a long absence, I just popped in to see what is going over here. I realize that I miss blogging here and think that space may be opening up for me to return.

So many things since I last posted, another 6 months of life-altering education, another period of re-entry to life here in the northeast, another beautiful autumn.

Along the way I have been starting a private practice offering Ayurvedic diet and lifestyle recommendations, been teaching and lecturing a little. Great blessings have been heaped upon me...a family has asked me to help give care to a wonderful lady in her mid-90's.

It is an incredible job, I love this little woman R. more than I can say. She teaches me so much. Here's just one small example. We took a drive to Naples because we had both been wanting to go. I had a toothache and was in some pain. R. said, "Are you sure you can do this tremendous driving." "Yes," I said, "a nice trip will be fun and distract me from this pain." So we went, we had a wonderful time, we almost lost her purse but found it, we ate crepes on the porch of the Naples Hotel in the sun on the 8th of November. We met a small boy with his family who said "Be my friend, be my friend." "If I could hear better," R. said, "I would certainly love to hear what he was saying and we would have a grand conversation about all the great things." It was a long day. We were both tired by the time we got back to the city. The next time I saw her, R. said to me: "I cannot believe you did all that driving when you were hurting so much." I said: "Oh, it was my pleasure, and I had so much fun." "You were sick" she said, "and did not look at all well. You are the kind of person who likes to make everything wonderful, aren't you?" "I suppose I am." I said. "Were you showing off for me, with your grand skills, great strength and excellent driving of very long distances?" she asked. "Yes," I said, "I guess I was."

I am reveling in seeing and being seen by someone who has such clear, direct access to reality. It is an incredible gift and an honor.

love, gifts and honor to all of you,

Molly

going back

I am going back to ABQ for another 6months of study.  will try to put notes here from time to time to keep a little record of how it is going.  2008 was pretty amazing.  Here's hoping 2009 is another wonderful year for you and yours.

much love,

Molly

Waiting to get a life

And then it was Halloween..........barely any kids stopped by but we were ready. After it got a little later I made a fire in the back yard and roasted the jack-o-lantern. He made a delicous soup the next day.

Summer is officially over

Summer is officially over, it snowed today. Trying to get myself in the winter feel of things, the hunker-down, draw in and recharge zone; but I am cold. Just found these very late summer snapshots of my garden and wanted to share them. Grey is a fact of life here. I used to have a great tolerance and sort of poetic regard for the darker time of the year. Today I feel impatient, let's get it over with already. This usually happens in March, not November. The colors are more saturated when it is grey. We can eat more soup and snuggle more when it is grey. Cloudy days are great for studying.



All that said, I am cherishing the little moments and slices of late autumn sun.

End of October, already

I was out of town for 2 consecutive weekends in October. It was great fun traveling solo, first to my sister in New York and then to Chicago for an ayurveda conference. But I missed the fall here at home. Please remind me to stay put in October. It is such a magical month, a crazy blend of all four seasons if you look closely enough. One day it is sunny, sweaty, and high 70's, another it is a crisp water-yellow sun-dappled 50 with bright red leaves fluttering to the ground. Sometimes it snows inches on Halloween. We all know that here. How often do you see the spring in October? You know it if I tell you...the soft grey day that is humid...anywhere between 45 and 60 degrees Fahrenheit; the leaves have fallen and the branches are bare and sopping wet. Look in the garden bed...bulbs are pushing up single small hard green nubs and one bird is singing a song so sweet, I could swear it is April.
Today it is almost the end of October, already. I missed the falling of the leaves and have a little edge of the autumn melancholy. It will be darker soon, and much colder. And in the New Year, I will leave my love again for 6 months of school in another state.

As the world turns

It is fall and just about 1 year ago I started writing little notes here. (I just checked. It has been more than a year. September 12th is my blogiversary and I missed it just like I missed my wedding anniversary this year.)

So what about today? This summer/fall I have bee thinking more about alignment, specifically in what I align myself with when I choose where to shop and what to purchase. At least once a week, usually 2 or 3 times, I go to the Rochester Public Market or another farmer's market and get the vegetables my husband and I will eat. Our meat comes from a local farm couple committed to raising grass-fed beef and lamb along with organically fed hogs. As many staples as we can get at the local coop we do...but where do those dates, grains and frozen gluten-free waffles come from and how much gasoline did it take to get them to my table. A cute little sign in the bulk food section tells me that the pesticide-free pepitas I love so much come from China. So did the sleeping bag we paid $30 for at a big box store in the suburbs on Tuesday night, before a dinner out (salmon(Alaska?) crusted with pesto, local too sweet Riesling). The vegetables were fresh and tasty. Did the cook purchase them at the market from a local farmer or rely on delivery from a wholesaler who gets it from God-knows-where?
I want to get a pair of heels to look professional in. Are there any affordable shoes not made in China anymore? And the rice and spices I rely on in my Ayurvedic kitchen? Is that sustainable?

It is easy to go down this path in this manner, of self-righteous criticism and praise. But this question demands more from me than that. Just as I am trying to re-pattern habitual movement and thought streams through movement and sound, I want to figure out how to re pattern my consumption from a place of calm grounded intention that is less tinged with judgement. I am looking for a place of origination that is not from the head, but from an opening to what is, to let a new way reveal itself rather than forcing an agenda upon myself and my family. Does this mean making my own undergarments and washing my clothes with home-made soap? Does it mean listening, observing and educating myself? It seems rooted in attention, attending to the physical body; both the personal internal/external frame I walk around in as well as the physical body of my loved ones, my house and neighborhood.....and the physical body of the food and objects of daily life. There is a wish for an attention that is consistently reverent. Can I approach the kitty litter, the car, the potato and my lover with the same respect and regard? Will I allow the space for the Divine to permeate every corner of this day, including the ugly and uncomfortable parts of being human?

For example, while driving home from the lovely dinner with my darling, we were cut off in traffic. Instinctively I snarled and threw my hand out the window in gesture of disgust and disdain. My dearest said "Molly, that is a very un-Ayurvedic way to behave. I am disappointed in you and hope you stop doing this, especially when I am not around. People get shot for behaviour like this." I giggle, wiggle,charm and tell him how adorable he is when he busts my chops, that it is sexy....distracting him and getting me off the hook. Uncomfortable, seeing myself that way. Here I am and where is the divine? And how to stay present without becoming dour, no-fun and totally annoying.? I am great at thinking and talking myself into a corner, making judgements, rationalizations and exceptions that are so convoluted I am paralyzed with confusion or convinced that nothing matters and I may as well have another brownie, followed by a nap.

Claudia always asked us:Is there hope? Yes, we would shout, there is always hope. I believe this with my whole self and hope that I can remember that I do.

Love to you,
Molly

Lifting of the fog

It is official, I am returning to school in January. After that, who knows what will happen? I will finish, return to Rochester and really begin my life as a fabulous Ayurvedic consultant. It's a wild and crazy lifestyle folks, what with all the vegetable eating, herb studying, yoga and meditation. Seriously.

Although I haven't written about it here, I have been a little low since returning to New York. Please don't take it personally, New York. I love New York, I do. Just jumping out of the refiner's fire of school into real life was a real shocker, accompanied by feelings of loss and despair. It is totally normal, but I was surprised. There is a beautiful network of loving friends and family, not to mention gorgeous days and my sweet little house and darling husband. Everything is growing and changing and still the same, as life always is no matter where we are. The precious thing is that the fog feels like it is lifting and dropping me back into my body, into my life.

The internal terrain is so rich. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to plumb the murky depths and rise bubbling and sputtering on the surface. Thinking of the fluid system in the body and how to tap into it. This is not a new idea nor is the vocabulary mine. Emile Conrad has been developing this movement/breath/sound language for a long time and I have stumbled into it and feel once again like I am coming home. So I am learning how to trace the origin of movement in my body and feel how it responds to breath and sound and how it all tumbles together into an ocean of subtle, shifting influence; that the breath, the sound and the movement all trigger one another. When I can surrender into this pool, my own physical boundaries expand and dissolve into the fluidity of the air all around me. It seems like this much melting and going into solution could be dangerous, that one would lose sight of the center and get pulled toward the nearest, strongest force or that the body/mind would disperse and leave an empty spacey shell. In my limited and humble experience, I am finding the exact opposite to be true. The more I dissolve the edges, the more distinct my center becomes, the connection between heart and mind more clear. It turns out that the nearest, strongest force is divinity. It lives in my breath, it lives in every cell of every being. Divinity is found in my neighbor as he screams at his son for 3 hours every night, in the hibiscus blooming in the front yard, in the computer screen I am spending so much time with lately. Words don't do it justice, but feeling gratitude today for feeling like me and seeing the world with kinder eyes.